Relational Confrontation

Introduction: About Choices

It is not only in situations of extreme temptations/opportunity that we are called to demonstrate moral integrity but particularly in the ordinary! E.g. chasing a snatch thief, reporting a hit-&-run accident that we witnessed. Some of these dramatic, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities never seem to happen to ordinary folk like you and me! However, I realize that (with maturity in age) that it takes a great deal of integrity to face the daily challenges of life!

We make choices EVERYDAY!

1. To face the world courageously or cowardly;
2. To do the right thing or the convenient thing;
3. To take a stand for our conviction or give in under pressure;
4. To give in to greed or be contented with what we have;
5. Take a calculated risk or retreat into the predictable and never venture in faith;
6. To believe in God and to trust Him or to retreat with doubt and fear.

These choices are so much a part of our every day life that most of the time we find ourselves going with the flow instead of choosing the choices of integrity.

Vulnerability in Confrontation

“Turn the other cheek” may seem a sissy thing to do... because unbelievers and believers alike do not understand the profound teaching of reversing the roles of injustice that Jesus was advocating in the Sermon on the Mount! People think that Christianity is for wimps! However the opposite is true! It takes more guts to be a Christian and to confess one’s sins and admit that we need God in our lives! Others choose to hide under guilt and shame and put on a false front as if everything is all right!

As Christians we are called to repent before a holy God. We have to come face-to-face with the truth about ourselves, the lies, the hurt we caused to others, the pretense, cheating, greed, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, self-centeredness, etc.

Confession can be painful and humiliating, discomforting and uncomfortable, but it sets you free! Free from guilt and shame and able to stand before a holy God! Those without integrity would deny that they are “sinners” or “bad people”. They are not like others who are weak and cannot control themselves! They have made “some” mistakes but not anything serious that needs repentance and getting right with God! These people will never know that it takes courage to become a Christian. It takes even more courage to be a Christian!

Relational Confrontation

To love as Jesus loves sometimes requires us to put truth-telling ahead of peacekeeping. We may also have to put the well being of the other person ahead of the comfort level of the relationship. In Teen Challenge we call this relational confrontation! This involves taking action and making the moral choice for the sake of the well-being of the other person. We need more people to so devote themselves to God that they will run the risk of losing the present comfort level of the relationship in order to say and do whatever that needs to be said and done to protect the integrity and the well-being of the other person. Confrontation does not come naturally for most of us. Following as some principles and values that support why we should “confront” some people relationally... and not judgmentally!

• I love you so much that I cannot stand by and watch you ruin your health by smoking.
• I love you so much that I have to warn you that you are not going to find what you are looking for in drugs, alcohol or in nightclubs and bars, or by gambling or engaging in pornography!
• I love you so much that I have to let you know that I do not support your company’s decision to go into partnership with a brewery!
• I love you so much that I am not going to allow you to spend the night at your boyfriend’s house.

The fundamental premise of confrontation should be and always is... LOVE!

I believe that all of us realize that when we take action on behalf of another person’s well-being we are also taking a big risk of being misunderstood and accused wrongly! However, one time... the result of speaking the truth in love especially when the relationship is sincere, healthy, and mature - is a positive result. The so-called misunderstanding or stumbling block can be turned into the Cornerstone and a fresh foundation laid for a stronger relationship! Trust also deepens.

Preparation for Relational Confrontation

1. Clarify the Issue - What exactly is affecting the relationship? Is it temporary or long term? Avoidable or unavoidable? It is recommended to even brainstorm and write down what you think is the root cause of the dilemma or misunderstanding. Review the person’s earlier commitment to change and reflect the original intentions to do what is right.
    
2.  Cleanse your spirit - Matthew 7:3-5 - Do not attempt to correct someone when you yourself are angry, critical, and judgmental about the behavior and attitude of the person. It is best to cool down first, and submit to God before confronting anybody! Get the facts right!
    
3. Select a convenient time and place - This is the point where most people bungle the process of confrontation! Usually we are immediate in wanting to get things “off our chest” but when we do so it can result in wasted efforts and missed opportunities!
    
4. Pray - Jesus said in Matthew 19:26 - Jesus looked at them and said,  “With man this is impossible but with God all things are possible.” How simple and straight forward. God can do amazing things..if we only ask Him!

How to carry out relational confrontation?

1. Begin with a sincere statement of commitment to the relationship.
2. Make a careful, non-accusatory explanation of the issue as you see it.
3. Invite dialogue.

How can I confront my own inconsistencies?

1. Learn to apply Matthew 19:26 in all situations in my life. Be they temptations, relationships, a board presentation, a company presentation, etc. God is bigger than my problem.
2. Find a place to be alone with God. Apply James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given to him.”
3. Consult with a spiritual mentor who is solution-oriented. Remember, we confront to reconcile.
4. Have an attitude of humility, prayer, and openness and allow the Holy Spirit to provide 3-4 possible solutions and outcomes to the situation. Whatever the outcome know that we live and walk by faith and the Lord has promised never to leave us nor forsake us.

Conclusion

No matter what the issue that we have to confront and take a stand... relational, marital, financial, spiritual, vocational, emotional... God will make a way if we persevere and know that all things are possible with God; He gives wisdom; we can seek counsel from mentors and friends; we can discuss options - there isn’t only ONE outcome! But he calls us to make decisions with integrity.